Friday, 30 August 2013

Post-Modern Plumbing Theory

The queue in the post office moves forward the space of a second class stamp.

I think about Stan: that day when he stopped my kitchen from flooding. The copper pipe had been weeping for weeks. I had been weeping for weeks. The floorboard was starting to rot. Something would have to be done.

Am I alone in this? Am I the only person in the world who'll do anything rather than ask for help?

The DIY manual that a well-meaning friend bought me for Christmas, I could finally put it to use – rather than just staring at it occasionally and wonder why anyone could dislike me enough to give me such a present.

I bought a wrench – which, on my limited budget, was a bit of a wrench.

The easy, step-by-step photos made it all look so easy.

These step-by-step guides are a missed marketing opportunity. They could make all our lives so much easier.

Here are some potential titles that would surely fly off the shelves like hot cakes.

How to divorce your cheating husband in 6 easy steps
How to poison your neighbour's barking dog and get away with it in 6 easy steps
How to duplicate yourself as a mannequin so that you'll never need to go to work or boring parties ever again in 6 easy steps...

Come to think of it, it must be easy. After all, Stan didn't need to read Foucault or Derrida when they trained him up to fix water leaks.

Comforted by this thought, I set to work. But a voice in my subconscious dripped into mind. Don't bother it said. You're not a practical type. You'll know it'll end in disaster.

Deep down, I knew this dripping subconscious voice was telling me a profound truth. I paused and listened.

Call Stan the voice said.

I ignored the voice. Not just through wilful stupidity. I was still partially confused by the image of a hot cake flying off of a shelf.

I shook my head, cleared it of voices and cake and cautiously approached the copper pipe with the wrench held behind my back. I felt that I stood more than half a chance if it didn't guess what I was up to.

When I was within touching distance I suddenly pounced, throttling its silvery nut with my wrench and set to work.

I think that this was around easy step 3 according to the manual.

It was then that I wished that I'd called Stan.


  1. Love it :)

    I identify completely.

    And "Come to think of it, it must be easy. After all, Stan didn't need to read Foucault or Derrida when they trained him up to fix water leaks." really did make me laugh out loud :)

  2. Excellent, and thank you Kim. I'm glad I'm not alone on this one and very happy that it made you laugh. Have a great Sunday.

  3. I have a degree in philosophy but can't put up a shelf, so this really resonated with me :)

    1. Well, we've put one up here, philosophically speaking, and it seems to be holding up pretty well. Good luck with your DIY projects this weekend, Kim.



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